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Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions

June 13, 2012

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STORY HERE

Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions

                            Some top faiths have noticed Pritchard’s ability to plummet to the very depths of depravity.
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FINDLAY, OH—Local resident Owen Pritchard’s recent downward spiral into drug addiction, unemployment, and complete and utter hopelessness has sparked the intense interest of several top world religions, each of which is vying for his services as a devotee, the 39-year-old uncommitted prospective convert reported Monday.

“I’ve finally reached a point in my life where all the big religions want me,” said Pritchard, whose two failed marriages and mounting gambling debts have left him penniless and in a state of blind despair. “Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism—you name it, they’ve come to me. I have no job, no family, no direction whatsoever. So right now, I’m totally in the driver’s seat.”

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Pritchard has recently visited a number of churches, synagogues, and tabernacles to check out the facilities and meet with members of the various belief systems. The Mormons reportedly showed great interest in Pritchard, saying they would be happy to welcome him to their faith, while a Columbus-area priest is rumored to have informed Pritchard that the Lord Jesus Christ Himself “loves” him.

“Not to brag, but having lost all shreds of self-worth, I’m in a position to actually turn down offers,” said Pritchard, who recently rejected a bid from the Hare Krishnas. “I didn’t spend a month scouring dumpsters for food to be offered nothing but an emancipation from suffering through the realization of one’s true nature. Do I look like a sucker?”

“And while the joy of self-possession without universal trembling is okay, I think the Jews can do better,” he added. “Nirvana would be a nice start. Tell you what: Offer me nirvana, then we’ll talk.”

Pritchard announced Tuesday that he has narrowed down his choices to three religions, but has refused to divulge which ones. Many speculate that the frontrunners are Catholicism, Buddhism, and Taoism, which has offered a comprehensive package of everything and nothing. The dark-horse Presbyterians, however, have come on strong in recent days after offering Pritchard $13.75 million and a private jet.

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